TMI

I know too much.

I have said this before and it is true yet again. There seems to be a repeating pattern of someone getting really sick and added to the list, same blood type and approximate size as Anna and then less than a week goes by and they get the transplant. I have such mixed feelings about this. I want Anna to finally get her transplant, but at the same time I'm so scared of it still. I know everything will be fine, but I just don't feel like she is completely end stage yet. I know that a small hit could push her over the edge, I just want to have my sister for the longest amount of time possible. Selfish I know.

Anyways we really thought this was going to be the weekend, maybe it still will be, but I feel like the lungs today were it. Knowing this information is not the easiest thing in the world. When it is not personal it doesn't matter, but watching as someone new comes on and immediately gets them over her is hard. Yet at the same time they need it much more than her at the moment, and of course the lungs should go to them. Last time it happened I went to the surgery and saw the lungs, they were perfect. It was so hard for me to let that go, but Anna reminded me that just because they were nonsmokers lungs doesn't mean they were perfect, because the perfect lungs are ones that she doesn't reject.

There is talk of starting an HLA matching with organ donation, which would help so much with the rejection process, however that then adds another dimension. If this person is sicker and needs them, should this be given to them or to the one that it best matches? If only they could start this HLA matching NOW. It will probably take at least a year to implement. Before Anna was put on the list, I had figured that they did already do HLA matching, but science is slow and at least it will be coming to Stanford Hospital soon.

I need to let go and just keep hoping that Anna will get the right lungs for her. It will happen. And it will be good.